Tales from Applecross

The following article was written by local man Andy the Hairy Biker in response to a visit by two reporters.

 

"To recap, back in the days of Monty Halls' Great Escape, the intrepid duo deemed it of national importance to turn up in Applecross, therein to ask pointed questions of "unsuspecting" locals in an attempt to discredit our hero. Suitably sussed from the outset, advanced telephone warnings were made to all and sundry and the gurning journos were forced to retire back to their lair, tails 'twixt legs. There, having regrouped sufficiently to enable their feeble imaginations to splutter into abject dimness, they proceeded to expound on Mr Halls' felonies, namely;

Failure to personally tuck in his pigs and chickens (sorry Mike, hens,) every single night, while miles away filming orcas off northern Skye. The fact that a highly capable and very local surrogate "mother" was on hand to do the deeds was of no consequence whatsoever. Oh no.

Swanning around the place like he owned it, to the point of entering the local pub and ordering a pint of Red Cuillin without due care and attention.(Monty has yet to come to terms with the fact that leaving said hostelry without going on to a "proper"Applecross party afterwards made him a consistent lightweight.)

At the end of the series, callously abandoning his canine sidekick not even to live out a miserable life in the inclement West Coast weather at the now-derelict bothy, but to return him, without so much as a second glance, to the dogs home whence he came, (though a fine establishment it is, so I'm told.) The large hairy thing draped over the settee on my subsequent visit to chez Halls in Bristol, was, in fact, just a hologram...

I could go on but I'm getting bored.   

So what world exclusive have these goons come up with now? Despite the fact that a film crew has been regularly seen chasing a tall man, a large dog, a red landrover and a brightly coloured RIB around the Hebrides? Despite his once more enlisting the help of numerous locals? Despite even his writing a regular column for the local newspaper? Yep, here we go. Stop press, "Monty Halls Secretly Filming Next Series on North Uist." For once, I am nearly speechless. 

Suffice to say, should they wind up losing their jobs through total lack of journalistic ability, the Dynamic Duo should take solace in the fact that they could always gain employment as Permiership football referees. This is of course, the only other profession where such a level of arrogance is allowed to preclude the response of the accused.

Feeling quite satisfied, yours,

Andy the Biker"

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